sweet nothings

another school year has ended! wow ang katakot takot na exams nagwakas din , (ninamnam ko ang pagshashade sa question #100 ng fcm!)...up for more uninterrupted sleep, more time to get online till sawa, dvd lineup, books galore! gosh daming plano, hahaha. this is a very happy day, finally i was able to breathe, haha ang dami na naman namin kinain kanina plus videoke , plus plano ng mga lakwatsa (na hopefully kahit isa may matupad naman). i fell short ang bilis ng third year dahil super toxic...but with friends, superfriends, megafriends, and kumares around, surpassing everyday hasn't been a problem. weeeeeee weeeeeee!!! uhm tsaka ko na muna iisipin clerkship, parang nakakatakot dun hihi

it finally met its end...no, i finally ended up this long-time piece of shit. and so its true, there is always a saturation point, and when that is reached, everything will change. this is what i was afraid of, not because i cannot let go, but, the moment i walk out, there's no way i will look back...it has been a struggle for the longest time, i must say i have been so brave in taking all the risks and fighting for the person ive been dreaming to be with...but, as time passed by, it became crystal clear that ive been dwelling into a sort of one-way funnel-->you pour it all out too fast, then nothing's left and that's it, IT HAS FOREVER BEEN ONE WAY. im proud of myself because i know ive been patient, brave, hopeful...i have given it all only to learn that he is just not worth it-->simple reason, he is not into me. i thought it would be difficult...yes, who wouldn't have a hard time forgetting the pain of being fooled, and worse i really feel i was USED...when you...

the past days were on and off struggle to let go...well as expected, its not that easy...it doesnt happen overnight. every morning as i wake up, i pray that i will stop calling, that i will stop texting...owell i just miss him. but still, i am determined to end it up...i know its gonna happen, though it might take some time, but I WILL DO IT. expectations...this put everything into tangled complications, but really as i came to think of it, its as simple as "i expected a lot, held on for too long, given out too much" that's why in the end, i was badly hurt. that's why i dont put all the blame on him, for in the first place, he never promised anything to me...i am the one to blame, because i let him do so. i did not protect myself as how i was warned beforehand. bad addiction to sum it up. i believe i just took the risk because of the hope that MAYBE, something good will happen. no one knows what's next, but my faith will lead me to the right person, i know God has...

times flies so fast...another year of my life had passed...well 2008 has been a good year to me..i regard it as "sakto". a good balance of good and not so good events.. this day i feel so loved, unfailing greetings really make my heart pound =) and that reminds me that even though something in my life is missing now, i have a lot more reason to ignore that gap and move on with joy because indeed, i am being loved by many people around me, most of all i have a very loving and supporting INTACT family. life's like this, there's no such thing as perfect...maybe what made this day a bit eerie is the fact that i am going through something hurtful right now, and in fact its still fresh. this morning i was able to talk to bau and pour out the emotions ive been keeping up for the past days...he empathized, well coming from a guy, now i know im not exagerrating... what he did was really hurtful, like how a good friend agreed. i know the following days will be better. as i went...

nothing is more painful that being cheated on...hayy, i just dont know what to say anymore...hayyy sakto p talaga sa pasko...

last night, it was full of tears. i really wanted to let it all out. i will surely miss him. i know ill get through this. this morning as i woke up, things are starting to sink in, no reason at all to greet him good morning, its about time to change the routine, no more gudnyts, no more whining and texting, no one to tell my angst, no more destressor, no one to look forward to talk to as i go home in the afternoon. everything will change, these are the reasons why i do cry a lot...i myself did not notice that that ive been clinging on him this tight already, i thought then as i was telling everyone else that he's no one, just the casual person i am fond of talking to, nothing special, but deep inside, i knew even before that i was just saying this out of shame that despite keeping up a special bond with this person, i am nevertheless, a non-significant person to him. now i let him go, i want him to grow, to realize his faults, and most of all learn to appreciate the people around h...

its a "merry" christmas. i had so much for this day, so much heartache. it was like all the pain and frustrations were showered upon me at once. i was able to handle it, but im still sort of in shock. i dont know if this feeling, though familiar, is simply a clone of how i felt years back, but just the same, it striked me hard. attachment, this has been my waterloo, a trap equipped with blades that could crush me anytime, that the more i struggle to escape, the harder it would stab. its indeed painful, im overwhelmed by all the things thrown upon me, and honestly i do not know how to handle, or maybe im too apprehensive to handle each that it seems impossible if i will be able to do so. bottomline: another phase of moving on, a different starting point. i thought through the years and kinds of relationships ive been into, this one is easier, no tangible attachment, no big deal, but i was reminded, that i have the same heart, that same heart broken many times before, that same...

yesterday, dec 22, me and jp went out on a date **yay** ahahaha what a pleasant surprise. but actually, im not so sure if it's really a nice thing. im a bit bothered on where this one is going..just the other day i was on a big drama and anxiety...gawd, what a complicated situation i am in. sadly, i must admit its the two of us making the complications...ahm, actually its him that's so complicated. whatever, i just enjoyed the moment of being with him. though at some point i was a bit hesitant (well i dont know how to explain the hunches) and one thing more, what makes seeing him a bit wrong is going back to zero on my struggle to somehow detach from him. only God knows the reason...

today is the offical start of the so far first vacation we have for this school year. whew! it was almost perfect but then for the nth time it was ruined by errr only i would know.... i just figured out, no matter how much you give for one person it doesnt always mean getting back the same...or worse even getting the opposite of what ur giving. ahhh life sucks (at that certain area of my life) nothing is perfect...i got hurt, if frustrates me, it gets me furious and at the same time makes me realize what i should have realized early on. owell, i wallowed over this, at least to get desensitized, i dont wanna dwell on the thought further and make things harder for me. i just wish i could stand still with this decision of just disappearing...ITS NOT WORTH IT, REALLY... i figured, no matter how long, how much, all positive driving factors a person could give, if its one way, there's not even a speck of possibility that it would flourish, or climb up at that level you've been yearni...

christmas is in the air, whew, finally now im feeling better that school stuff is finally unloading. almost having a perfect week to end up off to vacation, the only flaw, our medicine class this coming wednesday, i really wish it wouldn't be our turn to present in the preceptorial *crossed-fingers* anyway, im done with my paper, well almost if im not making any change on it. tom, no classes, wee! twilight time! oh yes what a late bloomer haha coz the only time i can manage to read is at night time, which apparently i couldnt stand for more than an hour. Zzzzz i was able to give out my presents for friends earlier today, the effort was all worth it REALLY =) i never thought they would like it that much, yes the personalized tumblers i made. aside of course from being able to give out, conceptualizing the design first hand for them was more of a satisfaction of my "hunger" for photoshop LOL. it really feels light starting this week oh so right, i dunno, maybe the lesser sc...

wow umaga na pala kumusta naman, bakit kaya ganon pag kailangan mag stay up at mag-aral, effort! EFFORT GUMISING pero pag papetiks petiks i can stay up kahit 36 hours straight LOL. nabuhay kasi ako nung nagtxt si aubz na walang radio bukas hahaha sobrang invigorating ...so talagang winakasan ko na ang shiftings nang matapos ang sargeri??? sobrang naaliw ako magnet, mag-gitara, umepal epal dito sa bahay. oh no tagal ko di nahawakan gitara ko keber kung masira ang manicure hehe namiss ko lng , naaliw kasi ako sa videos ni marie digby, though na-encounter ko na un dati, ngaun ko lng na-absorb haha. uhm kakatamad na mag-aral christmas na eh weeeeeeee!

I'm mad at myself, not you. I'm mad for always being nice, always apologizing for things I didn't do, for getting attached, for making you my life, depending on you, wasting my time on you, thinking about you, following you, changing for you, forgiving you, wishing for you, dreaming of you, and most of all...for not hating you which I know I should..but I can't. exactly the words i wanted to tell him. its been a burden for the longest time, and eventually it leads me to certain conclusions that i myself wouldnt want to accept... there are only three things: 1. he is a gay. 2. i dont matter to him. 3. he has someone else. ive been trying to understand for the longest time, what the hell is the reason for dwelling into something without any speck of clarity. even the divine signs i have asked, i denied to accept and stick to...my heart is crying out, ignoring the pain, but my mind has been shouting this shouldnt be the way it is. God is making ways for me to see...when sh...

Im missing lots of people. Well i realized ive been too busy that i am missing much in life. I miss d good old days wen life for me was a lot lighter. Wen i dont have to think much and despite being busy, still being able to squeeze in other activities. Its a lot different now. As much as i want to spend some time to escape from the pressures of med world, time wouldnt really permit. I miss d easy life, the genuine laughs and crazy old days of hanging out and not thinking about tomorrow. It pains me coz as time passes by, people around me narrows down. Most already had a big difference in their lives. Oh well i chose the tedious path. And oftentimes its only by prayer and faith that i do to surpass all these. I hope this would end soon. I really wish God would send me an angel to make life a bit easier and happier dan now. I wanna end d misery. The misery of clinging on to a wrong person. The pain of expectations. It makes the load heavier. Maybe its my turn to be happy.

we have to count our blessings. im a strong believer of that. well sometimes life gets so boring as if nothing new is happening, everything seems so stagnant and monotonous. but God has little surprises that await us, we just have to be a bit keen in order to notice those. sometimes we tend to dwell ourselves much on things that are trivial, or rather we're waiting or expecting from those things without noticing much that several things are already happening around. lesson is MOVE AROUND and help urself and enjoy as much as we can, thru the little and lightest things-->diversion is the key, otherwise life would be an early death that doesnt end.

one thing ive noticed, people whom i got involved with come and go, and come back again. probably for a different reason, that im not sure of. its just that i always give double effort to let go of those people and yet fate draws them back. i never wanted it this way, because it comes contrary to my expectations that as time passes the impact is lessened. sometimes i assess myself whether its my fault, but lately i realized ive been actively putting efforts to move on farther, but unexplainably they just come back. most of the time it brings me heartache. because ive got only one simple wish, that is to find that ONE who wouldnt leave me, who would stay for real, FOR GOOD, and it is frustrating that by coming back they give a constant reminder that still i am left alone. I dont know why of all people, they love to mess up with me when in fact i am not actually allowing them to do so. no matter how i shut up and put on large barriers, im always dragged...its not flattering, rather,it co...

its 12 am. gah! i was home as early as 1:00 this afternoon. and how did i spend the rest of the day??!!! play play play hahaha ive finished burger shop in a matter of two days (the story mode only) LOL like any of the addictive yahoo games. yah i know corny games but anyway did enjoy it big time (obviously). after goodbye bade to the aliens @@!**@@ haha dreamland called me once again...yes im so good at these sedentary, waste of time activities. i was not able to recover from the long weekend and made an extension haha... i started my psych paper this evening (which btw i should have started during the weekend, but apparently i did not start a thing-->enjoy mode) and guess what i did not finish. argh, though im done with all the readings, i just cant organize my thoughts clearly yet, ill save them for tomorrow (dadadada im starting to feel guilty) im actually trying to browse on these fcm trans to lessen the cramming tom morning...but on my way to the third page again.....dreamland ...

there's only one thing i promised myself to spend this weekend with. i.e. NOT TO DO ANYTHING! (academic) lol i planned to go out magliwaliw, shopping, maglasing, manlalake hahaha but again futile attempts, na-realize ko pagod ako at gusto ko lng dito sa bahay. (plus di kme natuloy ni vego awwwww *bru sad*) yesterday, umiral n naman ang pagka-oc ko, i saw d bundle of transcriptions at dalawang bagay ang pumasok sa isip ko a. sunugin ang mga ito b. iligpit sila....natural niligpit ko kasi baka pagsisihan ko pag sinunog ko sila hahaha, narealize ko maghapon ako nagligpit ng nagligpit (ano ba adik b ako, talaga bang kasama sa frustrations ko maging isang maid hahaha) oh well, naisip isip ko lang, ano kaya kung sa mga panahong ito hindi ako nagmemed, ano nga kaya ang pinagagawa ko sa buhay??? a. chief medtech (sosyal dapat chief!) b. call center agent c. singer-->(maging career daw oh) d. graphics designer e. make-up artist f. asawa ng nurse????(wag n tanungin kung bakit) ...

whew finally natapos din ang suicide exams huhuhu , kasumpa-sumpang sked.im glad coz tapos na, pero frustrating hahaha. next week is a real doom kc time to reveal na oh no no no no exam results! ayun time to SLEEEPPPPPPPP inaantok na ang diyosa LOL

it could complicate things, worse it can ruin everything. you might think you already got away from it, what you dont know is that SOMEONE IS WATCHING! dont be so sure that people do not know, when in fact you are the one laying the clues in front of everyone. there's no harm in being true, in showing off ur real emotions just as how good you are in whining and complaining. SHUTTING UP DOESNT SOLVE THE PROBLEM! I AM SO PISSED PUNYETA! haha the who!

everything's fast. its now july, whew and honestly im having a fair share of toxicity. what's new haha! highlights of this week, was able to finish our pedia precep (which btw was just squeezed in d sched, the paper is not finished yet! only the warding =S) uhm the community crap, presented the med precep, and of course, through with the med long test. whew. lots of things to do. and i always look forward to my rest day, friday. finally going to bed without thinking much. gawd please i hate to think! i ended this week with joy. like what i was telling my friend early this evening, happiness is created! haha and im a mighty creator in that sense. well simple joys for some, but a matter of reward for us med students. had a yummy early dinner today, got myself stuffs of happiness for this week (????? nonsense worldly stuff haha)...im just so lucky to somehow be able to manage, coz if not, ill be so burned out i swear! i remember earlier this week, got almost drained because of the...