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when truth is hidden

I'm mad at myself, not you. I'm mad for always being nice, always apologizing for things I didn't do, for getting attached, for making you my life, depending on you, wasting my time on you, thinking about you, following you, changing for you, forgiving you, wishing for you, dreaming of you, and most of all...for not hating you which I know I should..but I can't.

exactly the words i wanted to tell him. its been a burden for the longest time, and eventually it leads me to certain conclusions that i myself wouldnt want to accept...

there are only three things:

1. he is a gay.
2. i dont matter to him.
3. he has someone else.

ive been trying to understand for the longest time, what the hell is the reason for dwelling into something without any speck of clarity. even the divine signs i have asked, i denied to accept and stick to...my heart is crying out, ignoring the pain, but my mind has been shouting this shouldnt be the way it is.

God is making ways for me to see...when should i believe, when will i let go.... when in just one call i would believe over and over....i need exhaustion, worse, maybe i need anger to suppress this stupidity and learn to stand alone....im loving the most insensitive, unfair and wrong person in this www....i hate yet i love more...

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