sweet nothings

im feeling strange lately. this started yesterday and i dont like it. perfectly mixed to make me feel upset. im not really sad, a bit of emptiness and mostly really feels odd. im not sure if i do have a problem, or again hyperactive mind. people, again im having anxieties bout them...the past and d present or maybe im thnking too much that it leaves me blank. im worrying bout things i shouldnt be worried about. getting into complications when in fact there is an easier option and that is not to get in. i soe hate this i just cant figure out whats really wrong...or maybe im just bored and im starting to become disturbed by slight annoyances...i just dont wanna care...

at last nakahabol pa bago mag tag-bagyo...talagang sugod sa pansol kahit umuulan waahha at inabot ng matinding traffic sa slex. nuknukan talaga kme sabi nga ni mama mae... gud thing nakalusot akong makasama. i just cant imagine not joining them...minsan lng to mangyari sa isang taon..and sadly, pakonti na kme ng pakonti every reunion. maya niyan fly na sa abroad ung iba...haiiii but then, everytime we go out and gather walang tatalo sa saya...sobrang saya...na magdamag sumakit ang panga ko at tiyan ko sa kakatawa... ang bilis talaga ng panahon. minsan parang ayaw ko n nga lng paandarin kung ganito naman kasaya...talagang miss na miss ko silang lahat....

im having a tremendously scattered mind right now. hypoglycemic mind...haha. ive been thinking of plans a while ago, and i realized i only have 2 weeks to finally face the awaiting world of toxicity...huh again..im taking a look at the books placed neatly on my shelves. sealed originally...i feel not ready to open these yet. anyways, ignore school stuff first...im feeling dizzy. and i cant sleep. i dont wanna eat and i dont wanna sleep. good thing sumone's txting me ryt now. im in bad need of sum1 to talk to. how ironic, when people are around reaching me thru ym etc im not in a mood for conversations. so here i am, blabbering alone. now seeing the value of what im losing haha the past days, ive been dealing with these damn emotions again. i had a good cry though. crying myself to sleep. isnt that nice. well a good way of flushing out all the pathetically ill feelings. gotta end up here...my mind is getting ________________________________________.

again for the nth time, with my futile attempts to finally halt and forget all the aches. a cycle that never stops. instead of being happy for him why do i feel the pain of seeing him ok, of seeing far better than the last time i saw him. insecurity struck me once more. i felt i am nothing compared to the one who truly owns him. i felt so little that i am placed nowhere. always taking the backseat. always at the backstage, or just one of the audience...no part at all in any of his endeavors. why can't i let go of the past. looking at him was like narrating to me in detail the story we once had. why can't i accept the defeat. why do i always end up with anger. its never easy. all i wanted is to be appreciated, and someone i can call mine. i just feel that im am no better but just a substitute. the fill-in to the gaps. the supporting role. i just feel so used up. i also get tired....i loved, and i loved truly. but i always end up with rejection. and what hurts most, its when you ...

everytime im thinking of taking time to do this journal, i don't know, my mind seems so scattered and i end forgetting taking a pause to do this. im thinking lots of things, too much plans, mental hyperactivity as always. though its not obvious coz im not really doing much of the physical stuff. these past few days, i had a pleasant mood, and yet as the dark approaches, my temper changes again...in short tinotopak na naman ako. i really wonder sometimes, why do i experience such nonsense mood swings. the thing is, its all bout grudges. well unresolved issues i guess. and for the rest of my life that could be forever unresolved. i really wanted to accomplish something academic with this time left before going back to the toxic world. but then, im a bit hesitant coz i also dont wanna spoil this once a year break. hai, maybe i should get back to bed. and by the way, i really feel relieved, i had a loooongggg sleep, and i always fail to do so. sleeping disorder i guess. im sleepy again...