Skip to main content

what you do not know

today i stumbled into several stuff that reminds me of you. i trembled seeing our smiles on a photo taken more than a year ago. reading your letters gave me a familiar feeling almost exactly the way i felt the first time i read it.

but at the back of my mind, i was telling myself these were all lies. all were fantasies being dreamt by a teenage girl who was never hurt and never felt being left behind. i know for a fact i was crazy then. im not even sure if there were regrets. but whenever i refresh those sweet moments i had with you my heart felt coldness...longing for you and wondering will there still be a chance to have you close to me once more.

madness, it is...that i am completely aware of. but through the years i have tried to push you away from my mind heart and my mind...the more i build barriers, the more i get trapped.

all these time i was trying to convice myself that you were the best liar alive that i have encountered...but your lies were so good...so good i wanted to taste more.

the day you left you me put me in so much agony...i tried to despise you. so much questions were left unanswered. did you ever love me? who am i to you? how you felt for me?

until one day after a real long wait, destiny permitted seeing you once more...i thought the last page of our book will be written and finally be closed. but i was wrong. The way you kissed, the way you held me close to you??? You lied again...waking up the dormant feelings kept within...this time i wanted to fight. to resist your lies once more...but i love you more than i cud resist you.

Everything was reverted...you did it again. the pieces of me that i picked one by one so hard was again scattered. How worse could you be? More questions lined up? it was so endless till one day i realized all these times i already knew the answer...

You lied to me. Used me for you selfish intentions. Put me in vain. Dropped me in agony. Dragged me into shame....I was just a toy you used to play with......

And yet despite everything, why do i still want to hear from you? Will these questions continue to be resolved only by me and not by you who was after all the offender?

You knew least...You have forbidden me to...The day i wanna tell you I love you so didn't even come. You knew nothing how i suffered...

The day we'll meet again...You'll hear no words from me...im tired because you pushed me away...And when that day comes, look at me in the eye. My tears would tell you how much i've been hurt.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Tired

This entire application process is really tedious. I thought that being called for preres is good enough. Well of course it's just the beginning. Im just exagerrating when i say tired. Actually this observation period is way benign than u could imagine. Post-boards syndrome. Someone i know quitted after one duty (observership). Maybe i feel the same thing. I want a longer break. I want my free time, no responsibilities, no schedule to follow. Maybe i just enjoyed the relief of finishing the entire trail to becoming a doctor that i wanna enjoy it longer. Haist im still praying. Im so lucky actually that some would want to be in my position. But then sometimes following your heart could lead to better results. im still confused.

unexpected

me and jp went out this evening. really had much fun spending few hours with him. yeah only few *sob* i asked for signs, but it seems that it all leads me to the exact opposite of how i was expecting things to happen. for whatever reason, it still puzzles me, why in all people in the www its him i will meet. and i really do not know where this would lead. all i know is that as of this moment, i am already in the stage of attachment towards him. the only wish i have is for this to flourish. or if not up to the next level, at least to keep him. just have him around. i dont wanna rush on things ryt now. but all i know is that i am moving on to another phase of my life. i am now ready to let go of my past and be with someone else....

bad

im really having a hard tym now...goodness my wisdom tooth was extracted awwwww i had to to through a surgery. it was really hard getting into that procedure. anyway jaz thankful it was through and now im im roughly healing. the past days were good. oh i miss bebe so much. its been a while since i last saw him.